Michelle Major talks about domestic violence: Part One

I recently wrote an article about domestic violence for Handbag.com and I was inspired by the women I spoke to, all of whom have experienced extreme pain and abuse at the hands of their so-called ‘loved ones’.

One of the women I interviewed was Michelle Major, an artist, teacher, and public speaker on domestic abuse.

After two years of an abusive marriage, Michelle’s husband slashed her paintings and in a brutal attack he beat her, strangled her and left her for dead.

Michelle escaped and lived to tell her tale. Her ex-husband is now in prison, and she is rebuilding her life and using her experience to help other women, be it through her artwork, her public speaking or discussing her story online.

Although she is mentioned in the Handbag.com article, I wanted to publish her full transcript here as well. I’ve published this in two parts, you can read Part Two here.

Here Michelle talks about how she coped with the violence, her faith, and discusses people’s perceptions on domestic violence. Her account is articulate, powerful and harrowing, and raises some very important points.

How did you find the strength to turn your experience of domestic violence into something constructive and positive?

No matter what trial I have ever gone through, I have relied on my faith to carry me through. This 'trial' was the ultimate test of my faith.

One day it clicked that I could either continue to drown in a pit of self pity and ultimately remain a victim - not only to my abuser, but to my own baggage - or I could consciously move forward, stop looking in the rear-view mirror and not only survive, but actually begin to live.

I feel like we are able to learn, grow and help others from all our experiences, not only the positive. So I asked God what could I take away to give to others from this nightmare. It certainly wasn't an overnight transformation, but it did happen.

One thing I realized was instrumental in my healing and moving forward was allowing myself to grieve the loss of my hopes, dreams, and my husband. I had to really experience the pain of all that loss, in addition to the trauma of a violent event.

So many people drown in their pain in order to avoid hurt. I faced the hurt head on, dealt with it and ultimately was able to move past that pain into the light.

As an artist, painting helped me face hurting, yet even if you aren't a painter things like writing, exercising, or just being alone with your thoughts and feelings can help you work through your grief.

Another important factor in finding strength to move forward is the realization you have to rely on yourself for strength. I have met many women who do not fully face their hurt because they turn to another human in hope that they can project their love onto that individual, or they turn to another for rescue.

I learned quickly the only person that can save you during this aftermath is yourself. Nobody else. Friends and family are wonderful and supportive, but it all boils down to finding your own strength—using your own voice.



What stops women from simply walking away?

I think that was my mindset once upon a time. What I realized during the two short years of being abused is that the abuse comes on so slowly that you don't even realize you are being abused until it becomes undeniable, and by then you are trapped by emotions, finances, and fear.

My husband was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He was also very manipulative and was able to twist all arguments around to where I was to blame.

I needed to do better. I pushed his buttons. If only I would do this or that he wouldn't be "set off".

I eventually stopped pushing back and defending myself, yet I would still 'set him off'.

Abuse is a no win situation. You cannot stop the abuser no matter what methods you try.

On the other hand, my husband was the most romantic and loving man I have ever met. He could sweep me off my feet with a song, a slow dance or just a look. I wanted that illusion of romantic love so badly, for that to be my husband, that I bought into the 'I'm sorry" and "I'll do better" and the "I can't live without you—help me be the man I am meant to be".

I wanted to believe in him so I turned a blind eye to the abuse, until the physical abuse became too undeniable.

For those of us who are familiar with domestic violence, we also know that 'just leaving' can easily become a matter of life and death for a victim. The abuser will not just let her leave.

Financial planning and escape plans are a must if you are being abused and are wanting to get out, because so often the threat of abuse can turn into attempted murder when leaving an abuser. I know. My husband continued to tell me he would kill me if I ever left and once I tried to leave, he tried to murder me by strangling me.

I have a college degree and have had an eighteen year career as a teacher, yet living on my own with a baby has been the hardest financial thing I have had to do. I do not know how women without the economical means or who have multiple children can just 'leave' an abuser.

It is totally clear to me how a woman can be bound emotionally and financially to her abuser. It's a horrible cycle and it is VERY difficult to break free. There is no black and white 'just leave' scenario.

Link to Part Two

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